By Sweet Loretta Martin (as told to georgialeeesays)
Note: The following is a work of fiction, with composite characters, names and situations, changed to protect the guilty.
“If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, hunt ‘em down and kill ‘em.” – anonymous
Several years back, cresting yet another mid-life crisis, I fell for JoJo, who left his home in Tucson Ariz., crossing the country to be with me.
Ex-con? Witness Protection Program? Warlock? Pshaw – never let minor details deflect true love’s ways, thought I.
But, dear readers – learn from my mistakes and consider the following caveats
***BEWARE of Online Dating!*****
Use extreme caution. Take advantage of available tools, including, but not limited to:
- Google/Linked In/FB/Twitter, and the like
- Background checks
- Private investigators
- Sodium pentothal, similar drugs
- Local crime families
- Allow no statutes of limitations. Zero tolerance.
*****BEWARE of Long Distance Relationships!*******
Absence makes the heart, and other body parts, grow fonder, based on a complex equation of distance/fantasy/time/longing. KEEP YOUR DISTANCE and nobody gets hurt.
Looking back, why oh why was I so stupid? When mushy phone calls, e-mails, texts and the like become a flesh-and-blood daily reality, disasters ensue. The End Times loom. Apocalypse NOW.
After one good year, it began – the end of our world as we hoped to know it.
Unemployed, annoying, consumptive and embarrassing was bad enough for me, paragon of virtue that I am.
JoJo got back to where he once belonged. But we continued corresponding, and the old equation – distance/fantasy, blah blah blah, came into play. A romantic Christmas reunion, (his idea) evoked our halcyon Antebellum days.
Alas, JoJo got back again. And yet again, we corresponded, toying with a tainted fantasy.
His past atrocities paled in comparison when an unknown “Lisa” phoned me, stating that, (in addition to both of us) JoJo had blazed a trail of women as vast as the Lewis and Clark Expedition. And worse, All were in play before, during and after his time with me! My mind reels at the logistics of this.
This was war!
The SET-UP: On March 31, years ago, I e-mailed, in a Pink Gothic Font, a declaration of undying love, desire and forgiveness. “I can’t live, if living is without you,” more cloying than any Harlequin Romance ever penned, complete with seductive “selfie.” I hate that word, BTW
Damn if I didn’t delete that vomitous message. It’s lost in the Ether now. But you get the gist.
The next day, April 1, April Fools Day – I blasted him with an e-mail of such fury I feared spontaneous combustion – of me AND my MacBook. (Best of all, I cc’d his (known) chain of fools – e-mail addresses discovered and happily provided by Lisa.
This hate mail cleansed, purged and purified me. It lingers, so satisfying that I must post it tomorrow, on April Fool’s Day, for the world to enjoy. I beseech all brave, betrayed souls, to use as a template for lying, cheating fools everywhere. Add your own Venomous Vitriol.
Until tomorrow, sisters – “as long as I know how to love, I know I will survive.” And so will you.
Yours in solidarity,